I have to do what?!

Finally some good news.....we've officially found our clinic!!  It's the Maryland clinic I mentioned in the last post and since it's America's largest fertility clinic, they have an extensive donor pool of fresh and frozen donor eggs which will make the decision process all that more intense going through all the profiles but it will also make us feel we picked the best of whats out there.  Ok fair warning, from here on out parts of this blog will be crass, crude and somewhat awkward for me to write about and maybe even for you to read......you've been warned! :-)

A major step in starting this whole thing is the screening process for the intended parents.  The MD clinic said that before they could schedule an appointment for my semen analysis that I would have to get screened for HIV, Hep C, Hep A and some other diseases.  Knowing that the longer I waited to get my blood drawn, the more anxiety I would have over the blood-letting so as soon as I got the email order, I went and had it done that same afternoon.  My hands were slick with sweat but I somehow managed to get to the lab.  At intake, I told the lady that I tend to pass out and that I didn't want a student doing it which she obliged but I could tell she was already annoyed.  When my name was finally called, I grabbed my juice box (I've learned to carry juice with me because it helps when I come to after I pass out) and went on back.  The phlebotomist was trying to keep a convo going to keep my mind busy but it wasn't helping because I could tell I wasn't feeling all too well after that needle was stabbed in my arm.  She called for help and a younger lady came in, put my feet up and put wet rags on my neck and face.  I started shaking, my legs and arms were feeling tingly and numb but I didn't pass out!!  They had me stay there a bit to wait for color to come back to my face so after 15 minutes (and with a slightly wet shirt) I was able to leave.  

Anyone who has ever taken this type of blood test knows how awful the waiting process is for the results!  Even tho I knew I was good to go, I still had that anxiety-ridden feelings of "what if?".  I finally got the results back and of course it was negative so on to the next step.  Oh btw, Chris had to do the same test even tho he won't be giving sperm; apparently it's a requirement altho I still don't get why.  Anyway, the clinic had my blood results so they called and scheduled our initial visit and sperm analysis for this past Friday.  Side note, this clinic is on it.  When you decide to use this clinic, they assign you a team that helps you along the entire process.  They are very quick in responding to emails and phone calls and they also give you an itinerary and a checklist so you know what you need to do and what they need to do along the way to make this whole process go as smooth as possible.  

Ok so two days ago we drove up to northern Virginia to meet with the doctor that will do the procedure when the time comes.  Unbeknownst to me, they needed a urine sample and more blood work!!  I was not prepared for this at all.  I easily gave the urine sample (it was a long car ride and I had already downed a bottle of water) but the blood work was going to be an issue.  Apparently the FDA requires additional blood screening to the blood work that I had already done.  The staff decided to wait to take my blood until after the consult with the doc since my anxiety level was sky high.  This physician was very informative, kind and just easy to talk to; I think we're really going to like her.  Now it was time for my blood draw.  I told them that sitting up in a chair wasn't a good idea so they took me to an exam room and laid me on an examination bed with stirrups.  After the lady politely asked me to remove my feet from the stirrups, she began the blood-letting.  It wasn't that bad but she still had me wait a bit to get color back again and for the shaking to stop before I could get up.  Keep in mind, I knew that I was going to have to give a sperm sample in about an hour and at this point, I was definitely not feeling in the mood.  

We left to go for the hour drive up to Maryland to their main clinic office.  This place was super fancy and a little intimidating.  I checked in and could barely make eye contact with the front desk lady because we both knew what I was there for.  Oh right, let me give you some of the rules they gave me before I gave them my sample.  I couldn't ejaculate for 3-5 days before the appointment (I opted for 3 days, 5 was pushing it), couldn't use lube or any other aid, and no one could be in there with me.  I was ok with the last part since I tend to do this on my own anyway.  So they called my name and this young lady took me back to the masturbation rooms.  Let me paint a picture for you.  This room was super small, the size of a bathroom really, with an oversized leather barcalounger crammed in there.  On the seat of the chair was a small stack of paper towels for which I can only assume was there to soak up any ass sweat that may occur while masturbating....needless to say, I opted not to sit.  Next to the chair was a magazine holder and on the wall was a small ten inch tv and a tiny sink below it.  The girl that took me to my room had me sign some paper work but before she left she apologetically said that they didn't have any gay porn.  So of course only to make it even more awkward, I replied with "oh no worries, it's been 3 days so it won't be an issue".  She politely laughed but then quickly shut the door.  

Now the pressure was on!  I knew this staff was professional but I felt like I was on a timer and they were just waiting for me to hurry along.  Again, not really the mindset I needed to do what I needed to do.  I wasn't remotely turned on at this point so I tried to look at some pics/videos via my phone but my room was in the middle of the building so the reception/signal was terrible.  I went ahead and decided to pop in a (straight) porn called Construction C*nt on the tv just to see if it would help.  Surprisingly it worked!  Altho after three days I'm sure watching two dogs going at it would do the trick.  Anyway, I tried to mentally remove the girl and her bouncing boobies from the scene but ended up just fast forwarding to the "final shot" which ultimately did it for me.  So I pulled my pants up, washed up and rang the bell for her to come back.  I can't even describe how awkward I felt at that very moment.  You know that initial feeling you get right after sex when you're with someone you probably shouldn't be with and you say to yourself "oh god, why did I just do that?"?  Yep, something like that.  So of course I made this moment worse by saying "so is this as awkward for you as it is for me right now?" but, with a giggle, she said it wasn't awkward and that she does this all day long.  Thankfully it was over and I went back to the main waiting area.  As I walked in the waiting room, I felt like the other people were all just staring at me quietly thinking "oh we know what you just did" but gratefully the nurse quickly came to take us to the main meeting room to meet with her, the donor coordinator and our personal assistant that will guide us along the way.  

We went over the next steps in the fertilization process, payment and embryo transfer options, and looked over some potential egg donors.  This meeting didn't last more than an hour so we were back on the road home in no time.  

So that's where we are now.  They have my semen which they will freeze so I will never have to do that again.  Now we just wait for our surrogate agency to find us a carrier which will hopefully happen in the next couple of weeks.  Once we find a carrier, then we can really start looking at potential donors.  Technically we can look at egg donors now but the timing might be off so we'll just wait until we find a carrier so we won't be disappointed if eggs that we want now won't be available in the next month or so when we're ready to transfer.  

Once the agency finds some potential carriers for us, I'll be back here to blog about it.  It may take up to a month but if anything major happens before then, I'll be back here to share with all of y'all!!  

On to the next.....

Needless to say our last visit to a fertility clinic didn't go so well so I had to start all over again.  In all honesty, I was extremely discouraged and completely let down after that initial consult.  I didn't know if other clinics were going to lure us in with all their smoke and mirrors just to build us up for another disappointment.  Word to the wise, read the online reviews of any potential clinic you're thinking about using.  I went off the advice of a couple that used this clinic for their transfer (when I say transfer, I mean when the fertilized eggs are transferred to the surrogates uterus) and their website made them look completely legit.  In a weird way, I'm glad this happened actually because it taught me a lesson in all this; research, research, research!  I can't say for sure that I wouldn't have visited this DC clinic but I think my expectations would have been a bit more tempered.  Oh and one more thing, I found out that most reputable clinics do a free initial consultation.  I mention this because just this week we received a bill for $500 from the DC clinic!  Now I'm all for paying physicians what they're due (because that's what pays our bills) but to me that amount is extreme for barely a 10 minute chat with a physician and a disastrous meeting with their coordinator.  I'm not adding this to the tally on the right yet because I'm fighting this; we'll probably end up having to pay it but not before the physician and I have a talk.  Side note, I'm not mentioning any of the clinics names out of complete fear of potentially getting sued.  

So I called Jesse (the lady that will be coordinating most of the process and more importantly, finding our carrier/surrogate) and told her that we're moving on to another clinic.  She told me of this clinic based out of Maryland that might be a bit more pricey but they have great transfer success rates and come highly recommended.  I did some snooping online and found that not only do they have great reviews but also have a unique donor option that I'll go into here in just a bit.  I called the MD clinic and spoke with their donor coordinator; not only was she extremely nice but she was also very knowledgeable.  We agreed to set up a phone call with one of their physicians, which just took place this past Tuesday, to go over the basics like our timeline on when we want to transfer, our medical and personal history, and the expectations that the clinic has of us.  After the phone call was over, I felt a sense of relief and renewed excitement about this whole process.  

During the phone call, the physician gave me the password to access their donor pool.  I'm not going to lie, this is a mixed bag of feelings.  While the thought of finding the egg donor to what will be our future child/children is thrilling and makes this whole thing feel so real, it also fills you with a sense of anxiety because you immediately wonder what kind of women are out there donating their eggs.  While I know that these clinics won't let a crack whore off the streets to come in and donate her eggs (there is a very rigorous screening process), it makes me wonder if these girls are the "top shelf" of DNA that we would want.  After perusing through their quite lengthy list of potential donors, I found that there are just a few diamonds in the rough.....most of them just seem rough.  What really surprised me is that these donors only have baby pictures and maybe a couple of pics of them as a child.  I called the coordinator to ask about adult pictures of these donors and I was told that due to facial recognition software out there now, most donors do not want their current pics online.  I guess I get it but it would be nice to help narrow the search.  She did say that once we pick a potential donor we could then get a picture of her or maybe even meet her in person.  I'm not so sure how I feel about meeting her but I'll cross that topic if and when it comes up.  Anyway, all I did initially was look thru the pics and tried to determine who was the cutest/most attractive baby.  Can you imagine what an asshole I felt like after a while when I realized I was judging babies?!  Here I am thinking "oh god no", "too risky on what they look like now", or "mmm....maybe" about these little girls that I've never met.  Let's be real, not every baby is cute or adorable but when you criticize and scrutinize baby after baby after baby, it doesn't take long before you feel like a real dick.  

Here's a quick breakdown of the cost for this clinic.  If any couple wanted exclusive use of a particular donors' eggs, then for $55K the eggs are theirs and that donor is out of the loop for any other couple to use.  Ever.  Obviously this is for couples that don't want half-sisters or half-brothers running around.  This fee also includes up to six transfers and if after six transfers nothing happens, you get a full refund.  If you want to gamble by only attempting one transfer but still want your own eggs and no sharing, then its $29K.  However, if a couple is willing to share donor eggs with one other couple, then it's $39K for up to six transfers or just $18K for the one time deal.  Or if a couple is willing to share the eggs with two other couples, then the cost is $31K and $14K in each scenario.  On average the clinic can get around 30 eggs from a donor so I assume y'all can do the math on how that would break down on splitting the eggs.  I think we'll be opting for the "shared risk" option of up to six cycles because the clinic will also freeze any fertilized eggs of ours that aren't transferred at that time for us to use if we choose to add to our family down the road.  I'm still not sure if we'll be splitting the eggs with one other couple or two; I can say, with complete certainty, that we will not be choosing the $55K option.  

Ok - back to the list.  From the list I found my top two potential donors!!  Exciting right?!?!  Yeah, I thought so too.  I called the coordinator yesterday (due to the snow storm we didn't have power Wednesday nor most of Thursday) telling her this fantastic news but she quickly told me to slow my roll.  She said that we still have a few steps to take before we can pick out any donor and that while it's great that I have a couple picked out, they may not be available when we're ready.  Apparently before we can choose a donor, we have to go up to the clinic for the (free) initial consult, I have to give a sperm sample to make sure I'm not shooting blanks and get my blood tested to check for any diseases.  I'm hoping we can get up to the clinic on the 22nd of this month but Chris's work schedule really limits the days we can go.  Apparently they need him there to sign some documents to make sure he's aware of this whole process and they need to witness his signature.  If he can't go in the next two weeks, I can still go on my own for them to poke and prod me so they can do all the initial testing they need done and for me to sign my paperwork.  He can realistically sign the papers any time before the transfer but I'd rather him be there so he doesn't feel left out of any part of this process.  

So that's where we are now.  We found a new clinic that I hope won't be a disaster like the first and hopefully we'll be able to make a day trip to MD in the next couple of weeks.  There's quite a bit of work and time consumed in the beginning stages of this but I've been told that once we find a carrier and the donor, things just take off from there.  We were hoping for a May transfer but in reality, I think it'll more likely be June or July.  I'll keep y'all posted!