Sunday, February 17, 2013


We had our initial consult with the DC fertility clinic and a social worker on Friday and I knew this wasn't going to be an easy process but man, I had no idea it'd be like this.  I'm glad I didn't write up the last blog regarding the timeline because that would have been a complete waste of time but to give you an idea of what I thought would happen vs the reality of it, I'll give a brief idea of what I had imagined.  We'd go to the clinic, thumb through their vast donor pool portfolio (I'll go into detail about this in a sec) and pick out our donor eggs and in 6-8 weeks we'd be ready for transfer.  We already had our surrogate/carrier lined up so most of the hurdle was out of the way.  This is the simplified version and may sound completely naive but I was hoping for the best.  I couldn't have been more wrong.  

First off, what started off as a great initial visit with the fertility clinic ended with both of us leaving with a lot of doubt.  We first met with the physician that does the IVF and he seemed like a highly experienced man that really enjoys what he does.  It was a lengthy conversion and we went over all aspects of the process.  Chris's sister had volunteered to carry for us (we would still use random donor eggs) but after talking with him he strongly discouraged us from going this route.  He said that the reproductive medical society (ASRM) recommends that a surrogate has previously given birth so that she's already aware of the chemical, physical, and emotional toll a pregnancy can take on her.  Since his sister doesn't have kids of her own and to avoid and potential family issues, we decided to take his advice.  This would now add several months to the entire process but we all agreed that it was for the best.  Using a surrogate will cost an additional $40K (on average) and to find a carrier can take anywhere from 6 weeks to 6 months; there are so many factors that go into this.  Has the carrier recently given birth?  Is she currently at a time where she can dedicate 10 months to carrying?  Where does she live?  Will she carry for a gay couple?  Do we like her?  Does she like us?   You get the idea.  

So leaving his office we were feeling pretty confident but we then had to meet with the clinics donor program coordinator down the hall.  This was a joke.  This lady didn't know her info, seemed like she wanted to be anywhere but there and it felt like I was pulling teeth to get answers to the many questions I had for her.  I could tell Chris was already mentally checking out so I decided to ask to look at the potential donors and thought maybe this would get a more of a dialogue going.  Nope.  I had previously told Chris that most clinics had about 30 to 40 in-house donors (local women in the area that have been pre-screened) but they only had 6.  SIX!  I know this might sound odd but when I look at a potential donor, I want to feel a spark or some sort of connection to the woman.  These girls weren't necessarily undesirable and I don't want to be ugly or base my opinion on looks (oh hell, who am I kidding, I do it all the time) but I wouldn't look twice at these girls if I saw them on the street.  I knew this part wasn't going to be easy and that this was going to be the hardest part for us because, let's be honest, it should be....it's a big fucking deal picking out the "mother" of our kids.  I was hoping for a lot more from this clinic.  So we left there and went to grab some lunch before our next appointment with the social worker.  The more we talked about what had just went down, we decided that we were going to look at other fertility offices.  Now we've just added another month or so but we want to do this right, not hurry through the process and have regrets later.  

No matter what clinic we use, they all require future parents meet with a therapist or social worker that specializes in family planning for gay/lesbian couples.  Even though we left the fertility clinic discouraged, we decided to go ahead and keep our appointment that Friday afternoon to see what she had to say.  I'm so glad we did.  She's worked with couples using this clinic for 20 years and gave us some great advice on what our next steps should be and what other clinics to use.  She also provided us with names of a couple national egg bank companies.  Using a national egg bank adds another complete level to all this so I'm only going to go into detail about it if we decide to use one.  After about 10 minutes of providing us new contacts, she then spent the next hour and a half wanting to know about our parents, home life, growing up gay, etc.  For the most part, Chris has led a cookie-cutter life so I did most of the talking about my, um, colorful background.  She was extremely helpful and insightful and we both left her office feeling really confident about our decision to start a family.  

On the care ride home, we talked about what our next steps would have to be given that we would now have to change course a bit regarding our egg donor and our surrogate.  Luckily I've maintained a relationship with a woman who runs her own surrogacy agency so I knew who to call right away. 

Here's a bit of a rewind.  This past summer I went to visit one of my best friends in DC and we stayed with one of his college friends and his partner.  It was kind of a last minute trip but it was the weekend that got this whole thing off the ground.  As it turned out, the couple I stayed with were friends with another gay couple that went through the whole surrogacy process and now have two young twin boys.  Needless to say I had a LOT of questions for them.  They gave me the number of the agency they used and I called the moment I got back home from the trip.  I had already done some research online about surrogacy agencies and it's all very overwhelming so it was nice to talk to someone who came so highly recommended.  The phone conversation went on for about an hour and I could just tell I was really going to like her.  Jesse is a former surrogate herself and started her business because she loved helping couples start their families and knew she could take her experience and manage the process for others.  But let's not be fooled, there's money to be made in this business.  Agency fees can run anywhere from $8K to $20K.  Side note, I'm going to keep a running line-by-line breakdown of our expense on the right side of this blog.  Anyway, I met Jesse in DC (she doesn't live on the east coast) a couple months back to grab lunch and meet in person.  I have no words to accurately describe how much I like her and I feel completely confident with her guiding us along the way.  On Friday's phone call with her after the clinic meeting, I gave her all the updates on where we are with all this and we decided that we would be using her to find us a surrogate.  

And that's where we are today.  In short, we now have to broaden our scope on locating an egg donor and get going on finding a carrier.  We already contacted two egg banks and another clinic in DC so hopefully something will happen this week regarding that and once we pay the $12K fee to the agency, she will get started on locating our surrogate.

I'll keep y'all posted!!  

Sunday, February 3, 2013

A little background if you will.......

I never thought I wanted kids.  I mean, the idea would sporadically cross my mind in my 20's (I'm 33 now btw) but it was a thought that left as quickly as it came.  When asked if I wanted kids or if I planned on having any, I would just simply say "I'm too young", "they're too much work and responsibility", or "I like my freedom" and while those were all very true reasons, the main reason I never put much thought into it was because I was gay and it wasn't really an option for me.  I'm not here writing a sob story so don't worry.  In all honesty, I never let this depress me and I never dwelled on it too much; it was just the reality of it.  My friends and my relationship(s) were my life.  I loved it!  All my weekends and even some weekdays were spent going to dinners, going out for drinks, or the almost always fun game nights.  For those that I've played game night with will understand the "almost" in that last sentence.....it's tested some friendships to put it mildly and we'll just leave it at that.  :-)

But then things started to change.  Over the last 10 years my friends were all getting married and more recently they started having babies.  Whenever I'd be at their house, any chance I had I would hold the baby, feed them and by some bad luck or poor timing, I would even change the diaper.  Now when I go back to KC, I of course want to see my friends but I get just as excited to see their kids!!  When all of my NC group starting popping out babies in rapid succession, I got super excited because that meant even more babies to spend time with.  Not to brag but I'm pretty damn good with kids.......well except for one; I'll win you over one day Ashlyn!!  Spending time with the kids and seeing these new families made me realize that this is the life I wanted.  I wanted a loud house, the family dinners, tears on bad days and screams on Christmas morning.  But I'm getting ahead of myself here so let's rewind a bit.

Neither Chris nor I ever really pictured kids in our future.  It wasn't really on our radar and wasn't even discussed much at all one way or the other.  Also, early in our relationship we weren't really at a place to bring kids into our lives anyway.  Now, almost eight years later (and slightly more mature......shut it!!), we both want to have a family.  We've been actively talking about this for the last three years or so but the conversation would always end with a reason to push it down the road.  Reasons like "we're moving", "we need to save up money" (more on that in a future post) or "I can't let having children affect my job" (that one was mostly Chris).  But now that we only have one more move ahead of us, Chris has just over a year left of his second fellowship and the fact that I will be the stay-at-home dad so Chris won't have to take off work for sick kids or bad weather days, it was time to get this ball rolling.

So last spring, I began looking into surrogacy.  Adoption was an option but as a gay couple in NC or VA, it would be an uphill climb that would probably go on for four or five years.  More importantly, I wanted a baby with my genes.  I mean, how could we deny future generations the blessing of my offspring....haha.  Jk....sorta.  It'd be nice if there was a way to take the best genes from each of us but I don't think medicine has come that far yet.  Oh right, so how did the conversation go when I mentioned that I wanted to be the biological father??  It went rather well actually!  I said I wanted to use my DNA and Chris completely agreed that that was fine with him!  Phew!   I've actually heard this discussion can really cause issues or resentment in couples so I was glad it was a non-issue.

Over the past several years our friends have known that this was something that we (more specifically, I) have wanted for quite some time and they all have always been very supportive.  Now we had to tell our parents.  I was so nervous!  Not so much that they wouldn't be supportive because they always have been but I knew that we hadn't really talked to them all that much about this and I worried that it would seem like it was coming out of left field.  I'm not saying that it went over poorly but it wasn't met with ribbons and confetti.  I think they were mostly quiet about it at that very moment was because it came as a surprise and a bit of a shock.  But now they know how serious we are to start our own family and they are very supportive!  They're going to make wonderful grandparents and I look forward to them sharing this experience with us.  Not only are they supportive, our entire family has been fantastic; so much so that Chris's sister will be, um, very involved (more on this in a later post).  Quick note, when I say "our parents" I mean Chris's parents but I consider them mine too.  Most of you know but I realize that some don't; I have no relationship with either of my biological parents and they will have no part of our child's life either.

I really can't express how excited and nervous I am about starting a family!!  I only know of one other couple (again, a later post) that has gone through this process but none of my gay friends have gone through this yet and after talking to some of my best friends, I was easily convinced that this would be a good way to share our story and the experience with all of you.   So I'm starting a blog!!  I want our gay friends who are also thinking about surrogacy to hear a first hand account of the steps it takes, the amount of time and the costs involved.  I also want our straight friends and family to fully appreciate what we have to go through to start our brood that comes so "naturally" to most couples.  No detail will be spared.  All the highs and the lows, the celebrations and the disappointments, and the milestones and the set-backs will be covered in full detail.

I've had numerous phone calls with the fertility clinic over the last couple of months but our first appointment/consult is on the 15th of this month - less than two weeks!!  I'll post another entry discussing the plan, the time frame and how the surrogacy process works before the consult next Friday.  


So whether we talked last week or haven't talked in over 10 years, each of you have been a part of my life in one way or another and I'm really excited to share this journey with each and every one of you!!!!