Thursday, May 16, 2013

We found our surrogate!!


I can't believe it's been almost two months since my last post!  I've been meaning to update over the last couple of weeks but as soon as I think I'm at a good point, something else seems to come up to add.  Ok, so last time I left off where we were leaving the clinic and waiting for us to get matched with a surrogate/carrier so that'll probably be a good place to pick up.  

In less than two weeks after our clinic meeting, our agency found a potential carrier for us.  I was actually quite surprised that it happened so quickly and I later found out why she was available so soon but I'll touch on that later.  I'll briefly explain how the whole "matching" process works.  When we first signed on with our agency, they had us fill out a quite lengthy questionnaire that touched on basically every topic you can think of like personal family background, education, health history and also a couple of pictures of us.  All the potential surrogates (or gestational carriers; GC for short.  Remember this because I'll be using this abbreviation here on out) have to fill out the same type of application that we did.  The surrogate agent reviews both applications and takes every couples' individual circumstances/preferences into consideration when trying to match a GC like proximity, willing to carry multiples (ie twins, which we're hoping for), diet, and religion but for gay couples, there are a few more hurdles to leap through.  The GC has to first of all be willing to carry for a gay couple and live in a gay friendly state (I'll go in to detail why this is important later).

The agent sent me an email saying that she felt like she found us a perfect match and I instantly got kinda nervous/excited.  She had some updates to put on the potential GC's profile but she said that she would send it to us in a matter of days.  That Friday (two weeks to the day after our clinic appointment) she emailed us a very detailed bio about this potential GC.  Included in the email was a brief personal bio, several pages of open-ended questions with her answers along with several pictures of her, her husband and their kids.  While finding a carrier is pretty important, we weren't as nervous about it as we were about choosing the egg donor.  So we both read and looked over her profile/pics and basically just said "I guess everything looks ok".  We weren't really too sure what to look for in a GC and we felt completely clueless so I called the agent and asked "Are there questions we should be asking?  Something to focus on in the bio?".    She just told us if the GC looked good to us on paper then we'd proceed with a group phone call to get a better feel.  In all honesty, it was kinda anti-climatic.  

Coincidentally, that same weekend the agent was hosting a GC get-together type thing in Chicago; kind of like a support group where GC's get together and talk/share about their experiences.  Teresa (our then-potential GC) was there also so the agent shared our profile with her.  She was also interested to move forward and by the end of that weekend, we had a potential match!!  It felt like it all happened too easily so I was still cautious going forward because we still had to have that group phone call.  I was quite relieved knowing that the agent would be on the phone call too because I felt that this could get very awkward very fast.  That next Wednesday was the group call.  We all took turns telling a little about ourselves, why Chris and I wanted to start a family and why Teresa wanted to be a carrier.  Out of privacy, I'm not going to share why she wants to be a GC but I'll say it's very important to her to help couples have a family that otherwise wouldn't be able to.  There were some definite awkward pauses, some talking over one another, and some nervous laughter in there but overall, I felt the phone call went rather well.  Moments after our half-hour phone call, I get a text from our agent telling us to talk things over about how we feel about Teresa going forward and to get back to her.  She seemed like a lovely person so there was little hesitation on our part so just 10 minutes after her text, I texted back saying that we really liked her and that we're good to go on our end.  Apparently Teresa had the same reply back to our agent so now it was official, we were matched!!

Remember that I said earlier that finding a gay-friendly state was important?  Well here's why.  Some states flat out prohibit surrogacy of any type, surprisingly New York is one of them.  Other states prohibit surrogacy involving gay couples while some prohibit surrogates carrying for any non-related family member.  However, in most states the same-sex second parent issue is where it gets really tricky.  I'll use our case as an example.  I'd be the on the birth certificate since I'll be the biological father but we'd have to go through a second-parent adoption process to add Chris's name to it which can take anywhere up to a year to do; that's assuming we live in a state that allows same-sex parent adoption which Virginia does not.  Luckily Teresa lives in Wisconsin where the laws are more relaxed.  In short, prior to birth, our attorney in WI (also located for us by our agent) will draw up a petition to file to the state court to add Chris's name to the certificate without having to go through the adoption process.  This is filed with the court the day of or the day following the birth of the baby/babies and typically within just 5 days, I'll be able to leave WI with both of our names on the child/children's birth certificate(s).  This is a HUGE deal and a major relief.  Some couples choose a GC closer to home for the convenience of it and choose to fight the adoption process but we decided this little concession was worth a headache down the road.  

Teresa and I have texted and have had several hour-long phone calls to get to know one another better and to create a bond.  I honestly felt like this would be forced and awkward but I am very pleased to say that we both have very similar (lack of) religious beliefs, same political views and similar views on other topics so the conversations have been free flowing and easy.  Oh right, the reason why she was available so soon.  She was initially matched earlier this year to another couple but that couple wanted her to give birth in their home state which she didn't feel comfortable doing.  Now the next step is for her and her husband to fly in to DC to visit our fertility clinic and meet our doctor.  At this meeting, they'll take some blood samples from both of them and do a mock transfer; basically sticking a narrow tube thru her cervix to make sure that there will be an easy pathway to transfer the embryos.  Teresa and her husband also have to meet with the social worker that Chris and I met with a few months ago for a couples session, then all four of us meet with the same social worker for a group meeting later that day.  That should be interesting.  All this is scheduled for June 6th and 7th.  Assuming all goes well at this two-day trip to the clinic, we'll then get access to the egg donor pool and that's when the real fun begins!!

So unless something dramatic happens in the next couple of weeks, I more than likely won't post again until after the first week of June when we get to meet Teresa and visit the clinic again.  
Thanks for reading!!